Trusting your ability to recognise and uphold boundaries

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Trusting your ability to recognise and uphold boundaries

A key theme emerging in this newsletter is that our ability to trust others starts with trusting ourselves.

Specifically, it’s about trusting ourselves to do what needs to be done in alignment with our values and sense of self.

When we compromise on this, our trust diminishes, and we need to rebuild it to feel a true sense of confidence. When we stay true to ourselves and the behaviours that resonate with our morals, our trust in ourselves grows stronger and we become more confident.

Boundaries are something that we all know are important, but what does it really mean to establish boundaries, and how do we put them into practice?

As we go through life and have new experiences, we develop a clearer sense of who we are, how we want to behave, and how we wish to be treated. This understanding helps us honour our feelings, wants, and needs, allowing us to take better care of ourselves.

Creating boundaries isn’t about making a list of rules for what you will and won’t do as life experiences are more dynamic and nuanced than this. Rather, it’s about developing strong self-awareness, confidently communicating and expressing when your boundaries are being crossed. It also involves trusting yourself to take action to rectify the situation, like leaving a job or ending a relationship, if necessary.

Step 1: Let’s start with the process of building self-awareness.

Self-awareness is the practice of being in tune with your thoughts and feelings. It’s about recognising the internal signals available to you and using these as a guide for making decisions. We each have an inner source of wisdom and intuition and the more we are in tune with this, the greater our ability to recognise external events and influences that are not in line with how we wish to operate in the world.

Self-reflection is not only the development of the mind and its ability to think for itself, it’s also awareness of the body and other important inputs, including the heart and gut. Sayings like “My heart is not in it” or “trust your gut” are rooted in a deeper understanding of the human body that many of us realise.

It’s important to develop a strong sense of awareness of these other inputs available to us, through your emotional and physiological systems, to support your mental processes. I’m excited to delve into this more in a future episode.

So when you develop a strong sense of self-awareness, you will become more aware of the signals that indicate that your boundaries are being tested or crossed. You can then process what this means and what’s required next.

Step 2: Communicating Your Boundaries 

I’m sure most of you have experienced situations where your boundaries were crossed. Perhaps you were aware it was happening but lacked the clarity or confidence to communicate it. For example, someone might speak to you in a way at work that evokes a strong negative feeling, but you brush it off as 'okay.' Likely, it happens again. Or perhaps your manager continuously calls you outside of work hours, which you feel is inappropriate as it compromises your work-life balance.

When learning how to communicate boundaries, the best place to start is to address what we fear might happen if we do communicate our boundaries. Often, we avoid taking action because we fear the consequences of the action more than the consequences of inaction.

A common fear is that the person will no longer like us. You may also fear the conflict that might arise and doubt your ability to manage it.

However, establishing boundaries actually improves relationships by creating more clarity, establishing respect, and reducing stress induced by uncertainties. Boundaries create trust because they establish a mutual agreement on how to engage with each other effectively. Conflict can achieve the same if managed well. The key is in how the communication is handled.

One of the best things I learned from my mentor is that “clarity is a lack of drama,” and this quote is so appropriate here. Effective communication happens when you have clarity and are not caught up in the drama. This means being clear on what is not working for you and what you would like to change, rather than being caught up in the anger, frustration, or resentment that has built up because the issue was not addressed earlier.

Communicating your boundary effectively looks like pointing out the behaviour that does not work for you and why, and then being open to forming agreements that will work for you both.

Step 3: Taking action to rectify the situation

Your words will only be as powerful as your ability to take action. This power stems more from your self-belief than anyone else’s belief in what you will or will not do. Integrity is built when your intentions align with your actions.

When you realize a boundary is being crossed, you must wholeheartedly commit to rectifying it, even if this means making some hard decisions. This understanding will also help you clarify what your boundaries actually are.

If you are not prepared to take the necessary action to rectify the situation, then this boundary does not truly exist. For example, if your boss is treating you poorly and you are not prepared to leave your job and find a new one, you have not established the necessary boundaries or your existing boundaries have not been crossed yet.

Using the example mentioned above, if nothing changes after speaking directly with your boss, and/or speaking to HR or someone more senior about your boss’s behaviour (if this pathway is available), the next step would be finding another job.

If this resonates with you but you are experiencing anxiety or fear about establishing boundaries, a mentor, coach or therapist can help. If it’s a mentor you’re looking for, we offer mentorship specifically for women through OneUpOneDown. The practice of mentorship also requires the establishment of expectations and boundaries, so it’s a great starting place to practice establishing boundaries with full support.

See you in the next newsletter!

Thanks for being on this journey.

Natalie Shaw
CEO @ OneUpOneDown