See yourself through relationships with others

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Welcome to this release of The Art of Connection! In this exploration, we’ll discuss how relationships, specifically mentorship relationships, offer a powerful pathway to self-discovery. Let’s get straight into it!

Alan Watts is my favourite philosopher and one of my greatest teachers. One of his famous quotes, which I love, is this one:

 “The knife does not cut itself, the finger does not touch itself, the mind does not know itself, the eye does not see itself” - Alan Watts*

This speaks to the idea that we cannot figure ourselves out through our thoughts. To try to do so would be like the eye trying to see itself—a never-ending, self-perpetuating illusion.

While we may struggle to grasp our true nature inwardly, our interactions with the world around us offer tangible reflections of who we are or who we are trying to be at any given moment.

If we find a worthy partner—someone who can see aspects of ourselves that we cannot, who asks questions or creates experiences that allow us to observe and perceive ourselves from a different perspective—there is an opportunity for real breakthroughs. These breakthroughs may involve recognising beliefs, patterns, desires, or other aspects of ourselves that we are blind to.

This is the dance of mentorship.

This dance unfolds through dialogue—the questions a mentor asks, the responses a mentee shares, and the words exchanged between both. It is also realised through presence—how you make each other feel, whether positive or negative, which offers valuable insights.

Let’s delve deeper into this.

The words we exchange, the language we use, are filled with explicit and implicit cues about our thoughts and perceptions, much of which we might not even be aware of. This dialogue often goes unchecked in our minds. When we speak freely and authentically, we get the opportunity to observe this internal dialogue—to see it for ourselves and to see it for others. We can reflect on whether what is being said resonates, to get a better understanding of what is true, and we can ask deeper questions to move closer to an understanding of what is really going on.

For example, the frequent use of words like "should" or "need to" can reveal underlying expectations—either for ourselves or others. These words often signal a perceived gap between where we are and where we want to be, indicating something that is holding us back. This is worth exploring.

I am often surprised by the things that come out of my own mouth. Sometimes, I express wisdom I didn’t know I had; other times, I uncover unexamined beliefs that belong to someone else—something I’ve absorbed but that isn’t truly mine, but which has been influencing me greatly. It’s a gift to be able to witness these sentences, these words, and these images and stories, as they emerge.

Mentors and mentees, through their relationship, create opportunities for insights through open, authentic, and judgment-free dialogue. This potential exists in all relationships.

Then, there is what is left unsaid—how we feel in each other's presence.

Sometimes, we feel inspired and motivated around certain people because they bring out parts of ourselves that we love and energise us. Other times, we might feel intimidated because their presence highlights parts of ourselves that we loathe, or make us feel inadequate.

Both experiences are extremely valuable. They allow us to witness and learn from the aspects of ourselves that emerge—why we feel inspired and how to incorporate more of that into our daily lives, or why we feel inadequate and how to release the beliefs that cause this, as these feelings undoubtedly affect other areas of our life.

Every interaction with another person is an opportunity for learning and reflection, especially when they evoke strong new emotions and insights.

Learning to engage in relationships with this presence and mindset is a significant aspect of the mentorship practice.

So, how do you get started, you might be asking? The answer is simple: just start. Begin by observing yourself in your existing relationships. Be mindful—aware, not judgmental—of what you say and how you feel in different conversations. Consider finding a mentor or mentee, as these relationships are specifically designed for learning and growth. If you're interested, you can sign up for women-focused mentorship through OneUpOneDown. This practice - the sense of awareness of yourself within relationships - will develop over time. It will become a powerful tool for your personal growth while also enhancing your ability to build transformational relationships.

Thank you for being on this journey!

_{*After further research, I believe this quote is a zen quote attributed to Alan Watts. However, it reflects Alan Watt’s key ideas about trying to see and define yourself.}

“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” ― Alan Watts

“The Godhead is never an object of its own knowledge. Just as a knife doesn’t cut itself, fire doesn’t burn itself, light doesn’t illuminate itself. It’s always an endless mystery to itself.” ― Alan Watts

Best wishes,

Natalie Shaw
CEO @ OneUpOneDown